Sleep

I miss sleep... I used to love it and have no trouble getting it. Now, I lye and wait and imagine how sweet the sensation of lulling off into serenity was. I think about all the different ways I could get to sleep... My first and most obvious conclusion is to run. Just run till you can run no further and collapse. But it doesn't end there. It never does. I collapse and stretch and then have to cook dinner, bathe, eat and clean up. Now I'm awake again... My efforts futile and my desire for sleep felt like the yearning for your next line. If sleep were a drug I would be in the hospital for withdrawals... Where the fuck is my methadone shot??!! Why must I lye here and suffer from lack of my sweet nectar the fruit of the gods??... Sleep.
I am amped from my run and energized from my calorie intake. No
sleep in sight and it's almost 11pm. I pop
in a movie, get on my jammies and turn off all the lights. But it doesn't help... It's almost midnight and I'm exhausted... I can't turn it off... My mind just keeps on rolling like an old camera reel that you think you saw once at a friends house, but can't quite remember. I close my eyes and feel them burn beneath the lids.
I try meditating. Visualizing myself in another place at a different time. When I was happy and didn't think so much. I didn't dwell on what was or what could have been... I just lived... and I was happy. The typing and rhythm of the key strokes is my lullaby. My lids are heavy and I drift... Off... To a place I love. Sleep.

Never underestimate what you are capable of!

Just when you think you have it all... it get's taken away from you. I told myself awhile back that I would never let my guard down again and I would never feel that way again. But I failed. The only person you have in life till the end is yourself. Take care of yourself and you will be able to carry yourself through many of life's obstacles. I am stronger and determined, lead by the solace that this too shall pass. This blog was started with the intention of inspiring the masses and giving people the motivation to get up and tackle life head on. Now, it's become a source of therapy for I know that I have no one reading and only hope that if they are it touches them somehow. 

If anything let my life motivate you to never underestimate what you are capable of. If you want to be a painter, pick up a brush and spend the time painting a landscape or portrait of your mother. If you want to be a writer, log everything that you can and study the greats. Find your voice and let your pen be the tool to reach out to the world. If you want to be active, get a pair of running shoes and start by walking on a nearby path. Enjoy the solitude of the day and watch everything around you. Notice life noticing you and be present in this day. You are but one of many, but it is you that makes all the difference in this world. Life is not without meaning and each and everyone of us has a very important role to play. I truly believe that we are all interconnected and that each and every life makes a difference... Only if that life is one that is applied and cared for. 

I run... I run to escape and I run to be free. No one can take that time away from me. It is mine. I can think clearly here and concentrate on the rhythm of my pace along side my heart beat. Just one more mile... Just a little faster. If I could I would run and just keep on running... But for now I will stay. For now I will be present. For now I will not cry and I will be at peace.

Lists and goals and getting things done...

I'm still "running through" things and trying to make sense of my current state of being. I don't want to simply exist rather, I want to actually make changes and I want to accomplish my goals. I'm so sick of always saying I'm going to do this and I want to do that so I've made a list and I'm starting to cross things off! :)


I recently applied for my motorcycle permit and I'm now registered for my safety training class. Upon completion I just take my certificate to the DMV and poof!!... My license gets a new class and I get to legally ride a motorcycle. It's kind of scary because I'm learning something completely new... This is something I've never tried before so I'm nervous and excited to make it happen. This is also something that I have wanted to do since I was in high school, but the parents said, no. I never fought them on it and I never pursued it again until now...


I'm all about doing things that I have always wanted to do, but for whatever reason never got around to doing it. In two weeks I'll be on the first camping trip of the season. I have made it a personal goal of mine to actually get up on the wakeboard this time. I will push myself and not give up or be afraid to fail. I will keep trying until my butt is up and out of that water!!! This is my year people so look out!! ;)

Upon my return from camp I plan on signing up for guitar lessons. I'm greatful that my mother once wanted to learn so she has a guitar I can borrow. I'd love to learn to play and one day sing at on open mic night... I really don't care that I don't have the best singing voice because I just want to do it. Cross it off my list...


Life is too short to keep on living and saying, oh I'll get to that tomorrow. Before you know it tomorrow will be twenty years from now and you'll ask yourself where the time went. The time is now! Sieze the day and cross something off your list of life.

It's totally not like a band-aid

It's been about a week since the break up and I seem to be doing a lot better. I stopped listening to other people talk about what I should be doing and just started listening to my inner voice. I love this man... He is a part of me now and will always be in my life. I have just come to the realization that we cannot be together in a relationship at this point in our lives. There is nothing written in stone dictating how I'm supposed to grieve or what I'm supposed to do. 

I know what I am going to do... I'm going to continue living my life. Things I should have done while I was in the relationship, but lost sight of because I was too focused on the other person. It's something I do... and something that I need to work on. There needs to be balance not just for myself to function, but for the other person in the relationship also. 


I joined a new gym. That was one of the first things I did after the decision to separate was made. I love this new gym and it was one of the best things that could have happened at this point in my life. It's true what they say, exercise is therapeutic. The new gym has a variety of group classes both in the morning and the evening. I'm trying to focus my time on me and as much time out of the house as possible. 


I thought I was going to be ok... but this is totally not like a band aid. You can't just rip it off and throw it away... instead it sits and it festers and you want to scratch, but know that if you do you'll just have a scar. I have enough scars in my life... I didn't think this was going to turn into one also.

Keep focus

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... I'm sure you've all heard that before, but have you ever really lived like that? Sometimes it takes a life altering moment to really make you regain focus and go after what you truly want in life. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I'm forced to live for myself again. What makes it harder is that we lived together and did everything with each other... He was my best friend. He was my friend, personal trainer, lover and companion. I'm trying to be strong, but it's so hard when he's still present in my daily life. I keep panicking at the thought of the day when he finally moves out. I have to learn how to cope and how to live on my own again. 


So what does any newly single woman do in the year 2010? She Google's how to deal with a break up. My goodness in less than 30 seconds Google came up with about 63,600,000 search
results for how to handle a break up. One that caught my fancy was 
iVillage.com's take on how to move on after a break up. You'll find in the article by Life Coach, 
Caro Handley, what steps you need to move on. 

Stage one

1) Don’t see him

If he has to come to the flat, arrange for someone else to be there. Ban him from dropping in casually and ask him to remove the rest of his stuff as soon as possible.

2) Don’t contact him

No more ‘how are you getting on’ emails or ‘I’ve just found that shirt of yours’ phone calls. Forget about excuses to get in touch. It just keeps you hanging in there and hoping. If he’s contacting you, ask him not to.

3) Don’t go to the empty cupboard

Trying to find ways to fix or get back a relationship you know in your heart is over is like going to an empty cupboard hoping that instead of a few crumbs you’ll find a big fat loaf there. You won’t, and as long as you’re going back to that cupboard you won’t see the deliciously full one just around the corner. Close the door on it and walk away.

4) Talk about him less

Going over every detail of what happened with friends may feel comforting initially, but after a few weeks it’s time to stop. Friends get bored and you get stuck. So be very selective about what you say and the people you say it to and start talking about other things.

5) Stop giving yourself a hard time

So you weren’t perfect. Well neither was he. You both did your best to make it work and it didn’t. Put it down to experience and forget about blaming him or yourself. Blaming anyone hurts only you and holds you back from recovery.

6) Think of yourself as over it

Imagine a date a few weeks away when instead of feeling awful you’ll wake up and know you’re over it. The sun will come out, gorgeous men will appear from nowhere and you’ll feel like going out and living life again. Why wait? Draw that day towards you, so that it becomes tomorrow. Feel the excitement of knowing you did it, you survived and life is good again. Now hang onto that feeling

Time for stage two of my moving on masterplan.

Stage two

1) Feel Gorgeous

Self-esteem takes a tumble after a break-up and you have to rebuild it step by step. Feeling Gorgeous is vital, and anyone can do it. Tell yourself you’re sexy, charismatic, bright and desirable – and listen to friends who think you are too. Act Gorgeous by pampering yourself, even if you don’t feel like it and don’t think it will make a difference. Believe me, it will!

2) Start Flirting

What’s important now is to meet lots of people, men and women, and talk, smile, flirt, take an interest and laugh with them. Life as part of a couple often limits contact with other people. Now it’s time to get really sociable.

Don’t know how to meet people? This is an excuse to hide behind. If you want to meet people, you will. Make a list, right now, of all the ways you could do this. Join an evening class you’ve always wanted to take such as Italian. Try something physically demanding such as rock climbing or arrange a get-together with old friends.

3) Take your time

Don’t jump hastily into any romantic relationships. The rule tends to be that if you rush in fast it will end fast too. So go slowly. If you fancy someone, great, but hold back for a while and remember that this new you is in charge and needn’t hurry.

Susie did brilliantly and six months after her break-up met a new man who made her feel fantastic.

Sticking to this plan takes discipline and courage. Susie got a girlfriend to remind her of it when she was in danger of slipping. But remember that no-one else can do it for you, it’s up to you.

If you really want to do it, you will.

Now, some of this advice I can relate to and really see some good in, but a lot of it I have to question. I understand that we need to move on and heal, but why the need to completely remove oneself from that part of your life. We were obviously connected to each other on an emotional level and we like each other, we just can't be in a relationship right now. But why the need to punish each other in order to heal? I would like to ask you all this question and hear back from you as to what you think is the best course of action. Do we remain friends, continue to live as we did, but just not be intimately involved? If so, how does one heal and fully move on after the break up? Is it possible to remain friends? At this point it is still so fresh for me that I really do not know what to do or how to move on right now. I do know that I am trying to remain positive and not do anything drastic. I started making little changes... I joined a different gym than the one we had bee going to together. This new gym is so much nicer and has a pool and I'm going to stick to my weekly work out routine's as I have an upcoming Marathon on July 25th in San Francisco. I am also going to start taking evening classes and take advantage of the lap swim time they offer. Just RUN THROUGH IT! Running or any exercise is quite therapeutic in the healing process. The Mayo Clinic posted an article about how exercise can ease the symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

You have anxiety or depression — and exercise seems like the last thing you want to do. But once you get motivated, exercise can make a big difference.

Exercise helps prevent and improve a number of health problems, including high blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis. Research on anxiety, depression and exercise shows that the psychological and physical benefits of exercise can also help reduce anxiety and improve mood.

The links between anxiety, depression and exercise aren't entirely clear — but working out can definitely help you relax and make you feel better. Exercise may also help keep anxiety and depression from coming back once you're feeling better. - Mayo Clinic Staff

Read the article posted in the link above to learn more about how exercise has many psychological and emotional benefits too. Don't revert to old habits just because your life seems to be falling apart at this moment in time. When I first learned that we were breaking up my first impulse was to run to the liquor store, buy a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes. But those are not things that will help me get better. They will only bring me down and destroy everything I have worked so hard to accomplish over the last year. I am a healthy woman with goals and a wonderful future ahead of me. I know who I am, what I want and I'm figuring out where I want to go. In the meantime, I am going to focus on the good things that come of something so hard. I am going to focus on me and what makes me happy. Joining the new gym, going rock climbing, running near the ocean... Things I didn't do before for no reason at all. I could have done these things at any time, but it took this moment in time to shake me to my core to realize that I am still that independent woman that he fell in love with. I just have to find her again for me so that is what I am setting out to do.