Keep focus

Today is the first day of the rest of your life... I'm sure you've all heard that before, but have you ever really lived like that? Sometimes it takes a life altering moment to really make you regain focus and go after what you truly want in life. I recently broke up with my boyfriend and I'm forced to live for myself again. What makes it harder is that we lived together and did everything with each other... He was my best friend. He was my friend, personal trainer, lover and companion. I'm trying to be strong, but it's so hard when he's still present in my daily life. I keep panicking at the thought of the day when he finally moves out. I have to learn how to cope and how to live on my own again. 


So what does any newly single woman do in the year 2010? She Google's how to deal with a break up. My goodness in less than 30 seconds Google came up with about 63,600,000 search
results for how to handle a break up. One that caught my fancy was 
iVillage.com's take on how to move on after a break up. You'll find in the article by Life Coach, 
Caro Handley, what steps you need to move on. 

Stage one

1) Don’t see him

If he has to come to the flat, arrange for someone else to be there. Ban him from dropping in casually and ask him to remove the rest of his stuff as soon as possible.

2) Don’t contact him

No more ‘how are you getting on’ emails or ‘I’ve just found that shirt of yours’ phone calls. Forget about excuses to get in touch. It just keeps you hanging in there and hoping. If he’s contacting you, ask him not to.

3) Don’t go to the empty cupboard

Trying to find ways to fix or get back a relationship you know in your heart is over is like going to an empty cupboard hoping that instead of a few crumbs you’ll find a big fat loaf there. You won’t, and as long as you’re going back to that cupboard you won’t see the deliciously full one just around the corner. Close the door on it and walk away.

4) Talk about him less

Going over every detail of what happened with friends may feel comforting initially, but after a few weeks it’s time to stop. Friends get bored and you get stuck. So be very selective about what you say and the people you say it to and start talking about other things.

5) Stop giving yourself a hard time

So you weren’t perfect. Well neither was he. You both did your best to make it work and it didn’t. Put it down to experience and forget about blaming him or yourself. Blaming anyone hurts only you and holds you back from recovery.

6) Think of yourself as over it

Imagine a date a few weeks away when instead of feeling awful you’ll wake up and know you’re over it. The sun will come out, gorgeous men will appear from nowhere and you’ll feel like going out and living life again. Why wait? Draw that day towards you, so that it becomes tomorrow. Feel the excitement of knowing you did it, you survived and life is good again. Now hang onto that feeling

Time for stage two of my moving on masterplan.

Stage two

1) Feel Gorgeous

Self-esteem takes a tumble after a break-up and you have to rebuild it step by step. Feeling Gorgeous is vital, and anyone can do it. Tell yourself you’re sexy, charismatic, bright and desirable – and listen to friends who think you are too. Act Gorgeous by pampering yourself, even if you don’t feel like it and don’t think it will make a difference. Believe me, it will!

2) Start Flirting

What’s important now is to meet lots of people, men and women, and talk, smile, flirt, take an interest and laugh with them. Life as part of a couple often limits contact with other people. Now it’s time to get really sociable.

Don’t know how to meet people? This is an excuse to hide behind. If you want to meet people, you will. Make a list, right now, of all the ways you could do this. Join an evening class you’ve always wanted to take such as Italian. Try something physically demanding such as rock climbing or arrange a get-together with old friends.

3) Take your time

Don’t jump hastily into any romantic relationships. The rule tends to be that if you rush in fast it will end fast too. So go slowly. If you fancy someone, great, but hold back for a while and remember that this new you is in charge and needn’t hurry.

Susie did brilliantly and six months after her break-up met a new man who made her feel fantastic.

Sticking to this plan takes discipline and courage. Susie got a girlfriend to remind her of it when she was in danger of slipping. But remember that no-one else can do it for you, it’s up to you.

If you really want to do it, you will.

Now, some of this advice I can relate to and really see some good in, but a lot of it I have to question. I understand that we need to move on and heal, but why the need to completely remove oneself from that part of your life. We were obviously connected to each other on an emotional level and we like each other, we just can't be in a relationship right now. But why the need to punish each other in order to heal? I would like to ask you all this question and hear back from you as to what you think is the best course of action. Do we remain friends, continue to live as we did, but just not be intimately involved? If so, how does one heal and fully move on after the break up? Is it possible to remain friends? At this point it is still so fresh for me that I really do not know what to do or how to move on right now. I do know that I am trying to remain positive and not do anything drastic. I started making little changes... I joined a different gym than the one we had bee going to together. This new gym is so much nicer and has a pool and I'm going to stick to my weekly work out routine's as I have an upcoming Marathon on July 25th in San Francisco. I am also going to start taking evening classes and take advantage of the lap swim time they offer. Just RUN THROUGH IT! Running or any exercise is quite therapeutic in the healing process. The Mayo Clinic posted an article about how exercise can ease the symptoms of depression and anxiety. 

You have anxiety or depression — and exercise seems like the last thing you want to do. But once you get motivated, exercise can make a big difference.

Exercise helps prevent and improve a number of health problems, including high blood pressure, diabetes and arthritis. Research on anxiety, depression and exercise shows that the psychological and physical benefits of exercise can also help reduce anxiety and improve mood.

The links between anxiety, depression and exercise aren't entirely clear — but working out can definitely help you relax and make you feel better. Exercise may also help keep anxiety and depression from coming back once you're feeling better. - Mayo Clinic Staff

Read the article posted in the link above to learn more about how exercise has many psychological and emotional benefits too. Don't revert to old habits just because your life seems to be falling apart at this moment in time. When I first learned that we were breaking up my first impulse was to run to the liquor store, buy a bottle of wine and a pack of cigarettes. But those are not things that will help me get better. They will only bring me down and destroy everything I have worked so hard to accomplish over the last year. I am a healthy woman with goals and a wonderful future ahead of me. I know who I am, what I want and I'm figuring out where I want to go. In the meantime, I am going to focus on the good things that come of something so hard. I am going to focus on me and what makes me happy. Joining the new gym, going rock climbing, running near the ocean... Things I didn't do before for no reason at all. I could have done these things at any time, but it took this moment in time to shake me to my core to realize that I am still that independent woman that he fell in love with. I just have to find her again for me so that is what I am setting out to do.